Life As I See It


Death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives.   A. Sachs

I have three siblings, Beth is four years older then me, Donna is two months shy of being two years younger then me and Nikki is nine years younger then me. 

I can’t complain about my childhood.  We had, what alot of children didn’t.  We were a close family and  besides lacking worldly goods, I can remember always being happy.  My parents didn’t purchase alot of things from the store, so we had to make do with what we had.   We got the things we needed, like clothes, shoes and the extra neccesary things.    Never disigner anything, but we managed.  I remember getting a brand new bike when I was in third grade, a little big for me, so I ask where it came from.  It was none of my business.  We all had cars to drive when we got our licenses, my dad made sure they were safe to drive before giving them to us.  So it wasn’t too bad. 

With four years between Beth and I, we stopped playing together at a young age.  She was now starting to do things that I was to young for.  It was Donna who I was the closest with.  I was jealous of her though, being the youngest, she seemed to get away with more then me.  And when we got into trouble together, she was the smart one who got away, not me, I ran myself right into the corner and got caught everytime.  Everything I did was my fault and everything Donna did was my fault.  I couldn’t win either way.  And just when I was getting a little bit of attention, there was Donna steeling away the spot light.  Maybe that’s why I yearn for attention and must be the hit of the party. 

As we grew into out teenage years we had different friends but were still close and hung out together alot.  Donna was the hard worker and I was the lazy one.  Although I did work, but not full time.  I had a job at Mapes 5 & 10 when I was in 11th grade and then I worked at King of Prussia Mall at a vitamin shop when I was in 12th grade, total party jobs. 

Donna worked full time in the summer as life guard at the Best Western Hotel.  I would pick her up every Friday night and we would go hang out and party with our friends.  You name it we did it.  I would definitely go back to my teenage years.  They were probably the best years of my life.  No one to answer to and simple rules to follow.  Although, it was my fault when Donna didn’t make curfew, because she should of come home with me.

All good things must come to an end.  Our partying days were over and it was time to grow up and take some responsibily.  Despite the fact that things were changing Donna stayed the same.  She gave birth to her son when she was 17, ten months later when she wasn’t with her boyfriend and dating someone else she decided she didn’t want to be a mother anymore.  Drugs and alchohol consumed her well being and she couldn’t control herself.  After ten months of raising this child she wanted to give him up for adoption.  My parents agreed to take custody of Anthony as long as Donna moved out.  She moved to conneticut with her boyfriend. 

After a couple of years Donna and Chris (that was her boyfriend’s name) moved back home.  Our friendship grew further and further apart, until we were barely speakng. The fixation these two human beings had for drugs was beyond anyone’s belief.  The only thing to do was to be apart from each other.  So that’s what they did.  Soon Donna was implicated into another relationship forcing her to move back home.   Drugs and alcohol continue to control her life.  With no means of money, she did what any addict would do to get high, she would steel from the grocery store and resell it on the streets.  This went on for several years.  She was arrested several times but was never put into jail.  How can anyone learn a lesson without a consequence. 

Donna stayed in her abusive relationship, on and off of drugs for the next six years, until one night she had several people at their house and when someone came, who was unwanted, a fight broke out and this kid was severely hurt, dragged to the corner left there unconscience.  A week later Donna and Ted were arrested and put into jail.  All of Donna’s charges were dropped two months later and was let out of jail.   Ted wasn’t so lucky and remained in jail. 

Mean while Donna finds, yet another man to use, but this time there is no drugs or alchohol involved.  Finally off drugs, Donna continues to drink.  She moved to North Jersey with this man and has been there the past two years. 

Thinking she was doing well, only seeing her several times a year and never really talking to her.  We never got back what we had in our younger years.  I only really talk to her when needed.  She called me the other day, I usually ignore her phone calls and then forget to call back.  This time I picked up.  My angel made me do it.  It was 11:30 in the morning I can tell she was drunk, but stayed silent.  She wanted to know if I had phone numbers for two people we grew up with.  I asked her why and she chuckled, ‘just because”.  “Come on Donna what do you want to call them for” After ten minutes she told me that she wanted closure.  I asked her if she was planning to kill herself, This is what she does to get attention.  “no she said, I can’t kill myself, for then I would go to hell”  “I’m just dieing” she replied.  I told her she needed to stop drinking.  She told me her life was not living for and the mental abuse her boyfriend gives her, she would rather be drunk.  “I would take physical abuse over mental abuse anyday.  At least if someone is hitting me I can hit back.”

I never once in my life felt sorry for my sister.  I believe people get dealt a bad hand, but that doesn’t mean you have to play it.  And that’s what my sister did her whole life.  She never worked, she never paid her way, she gave he ten month old son up for adoption, she stole from people she knew and from people she didn’t, she did drugs and is now an alchoholic.  I believe in free will, we all have choices, some may not be as good as others, and some may be harder to endure.  We do have some control and Donna sure as hell had plenty of  opportunities to make something of her life.  And she chose not to live her life.  Despite the fact, it does not justify anyone getting abused, physically or mentally.  And for a moment talking to her on the phone, I could understand why she feels the need to drink.  With nowhere to go, she is stuck in a choice that will devour her completely. 


One response

  1. I know I’m late in reading this – it’s taking me a while to get caught up to speed with things around me. But I’m so glad I took a moment to read this. I am rendered speechless. Wow. I have a story just like this one. Only I’m the main character. And I eventually chose a different road to travel. Your story really made me stop and think how much I, as a person in recovery, take for granted. A lot.

    July 9, 2007 at 10:29 pm

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