What the Fuck was I Thinking
“A perfect sister I am not, but thankful for the one I’ve got.”
It was going to be a nice peaceful dinner this year, the 17 people I usually have will now be 11. Dinner is always at 4:00 and never being on time this is the exception for being prompt. My bottle of wine was ready to drink, one for me and one Nikki, who was suppose to arrive at 3:00 with the rest of my guests.
All my guests arrived on time except for Nikki and her husband. This wasn’t a problem until, for some reason my food was ready a little early. Thirty minutes to be exact. So, I did what anyone would of done, I called to see where she was and when there wasn’t any answer I assumed that she would be here any minute. I put the food on the table and without thinking, we started to eat.
This is my problem, I always ASSUME things and I shouldn’t. It seems to always get me into trouble. We were finishing up and I realized that she wasn’t here yet, so I called her once again. She was halfway here when she answered her phone. When I told her we had started to eat without her because I thought she was almost here the first time I called, she was very upset with me and had every right to be. I was wrong and I know I was wrong. What was I thinking and why would I do that?
Where is my fucking brain these past couple of weeks? I’m so stressed out, I think I may need to quit my job sooner then I think if this shit keeps happening. I can’t take it.
I got drunk and cried all night and then realized that Nikki, Michele and I were suppose to call our friend Sharon, who has been living in Florida for the past three years in recovery, so we can all talk together. I had to call her, so she didn’t think I broke my promise to her. Thank God she didn’t answer but called me as soon as she heard the message. I had to talk to her and then explained that I drank a little too much wine, she could tell. She was OK with it though.
She did what she does best, listened to my problem and then gave me advice on what to do, even though I probably didn’t make much sense, but she understood.
Nikki called me this morning and I asked her if she still hated me, she said yes, but we talked for a half hour. I couldn’t apologize anymore but I’m going to. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sure she will be hurt for sometime and I will have a lot of ass kissing, but I really thought our friendship wouldn’t be the same.
She didn’t act this way last week when I rear-ended her car, she actually felt bad and thought I was mad at her because she stopped too fast.
I’m Sorry.
Different is Always Better
All my life I never fit in. I wasn’t popular or athletic and I sure as hell wasn’t the smart one. It didn’t really matter if I was there or not, I was never missed. I wasn’t a leader but I wasn’t a follower either. I kind of stood on my own, I had my own ideas and did things the way I wanted, dressed the way I wanted and chose the people I wanted to hang out with. I spoke my mind and if you didn’t like it, it really didn’t matter. I was unique. I had my own style.
I still do, I guess maybe that’s why I’m so fucked up in the head. I’m still my own person, I still have my own style and I still do the things the way I want but when you live in an adult world, there are rules to follow and other people to consider. I don’t like rules and I don’t like other people.
My way of thinking is outside the box and not everyone is able to understand this. I’m not saying this is a bad thing not for me anyway. I enjoy being different, unique as I put it, but it interferes a lot in the real world where people don’t know how to handle anything out of the realm. They are mean and inconsiderate.
A week ago I was given the job to plan our Christmas party at work and from past experience with others planning it, I should of just stepped back and let them have it at the same place we did last year where the food wasn’t fit to feed my dog and the old drunk perverted men touching your ass as you stand at the bar to order another drink. Fuckers…..
So of course, when no one spoke up this year about where to have it, I had to open my big mouth and make a suggestion. If I didn’t then it wouldn’t be me. My boss liked it so I told her I would make the plans for it. After I did she said she had to make sure it was OK with everyone else. The first thing that went through my mind was, I wasn’t asked last year if it was OK. My feelings were hurt and I don’t think she really understood why. All she kept saying was that a couple of people couldn’t afford it and some didn’t feel comfortable eating in a restaurant that after we left filled up with young people for dancing. “Pat is Pat and we can’t change her.”
I told her “Kris is Kris and I can’t change her.” I told her I didn’t care who couldn’t afford it and who didn’t feel comfortable. Don’t tell me you can’t afford it and buy fucking donuts everyday. And as far as not being comfortable, get over it how fucking old are you? I told her I had to start thinking of myself. That went over well because we are not having it at the place I wanted we are having it at a place where the crowd is older. Of course she asked for my approval first, whipty fucking do, like that would of mattered.
My boss also told me that people are afraid of me, they are afraid to approach me because of my temper, they’re afraid if they tell me their true feelings that I will blow up at them or I don’t know maybe whip out my sawed off shot gun and shoot the place up. They shouldn’t be afraid of my impulsive temper but my inner silence. I never forget who crosses me and I WILL always get even. Just remember folks I had a private room booked, we now have no private room.
My point is no matter what new ideas I have whether I’m asked of not some one else’s feelings will always be taken into consideration.
So I work at a job that I don’t really enjoy anymore, the pay is lousy and people are now afraid of me. hmm….I think I will have another glass of wine and ponder over that one.
One Fine Wire
I try so many times
But it’s not taking me
And it seems so long ago
That I used to believe
And I’m so lost inside of my head
And crazy
But I cant get out of it
I’m just stumbling
And I’m juggling all the thoughts in my head
I’m juggling and my fears on fire
But I’m listening as it evolves in my head
I’m balancing on one fine wire
And I remember the time my balance was fine
And I was just walking on one fine wire
I remember the time my balance was fine
And I was just walking on one fine wire
But It’s frayed at both the ends
And I’m slow unraveling
Life plays so many games inside of me
And I’ve had some distant cries, following
And their entwined between the night and sun beams
I wish I were free from this pain in me
And I’m juggling all the thoughts in my head
I’m juggling and my fears on fire
But I’m listening as it evolves in my head
I’m balancing on one fine wire
And I remember the time my balance was fine
And I was just walking on one fine wire
I remember the time my balance was fine
And I was just walking on one fine wire
But it’s frayed at both the ends
And I’m slow unraveling
And I’m juggling all the thoughts in my head
I’m juggling and my fears on fire
But I’m listening as it evolves in my head
I’m balancing on one fine wire….
A Different Kind of World 