Life As I See It

Turkeys Bounce, Not Just Bumbles

I’ve been cooking Thanksgiving dinner for almost 20 years now.  Wow!  That makes me sound fucking old.  Jesus Christ, I can’t even make a holiday post without using fowl language.  Fowl language, get it…Bwahahahahaha.  I crack myself up.

Any-hoot, I’ve learned a lot of things over the years the most important being no matter how late your sister is you always wait, unless otherwise declared.

I’ve learned that white sweet potatoes are far better than yams, that it doesn’t matter if the turkey is fresh or frozen, it all tastes the same, even if it’s basted in a brine for three days.  I’ve learned that if you’re going to bake pies the night before always make an extra one, ya know, for the gluttons in the family who can’t wait until it’s time to eat it.

I’ve learned when you invite your Nana for dinner and she excepts only after there isn’t a better offer, don’t tell her the entire preparation for the stuffing fell on the floor and you scooped it up put it back in the bowl and continued to finish making the stuffing.  You could give an old lady a heart attack.

I’ve learned it’s not necessary to start preparing days before or even the day before dinner unless you’ve added to much onion to the mixture and not having all the ingredient to start over.

I’ve learned that you can’t prepare a full course dinner for 17 people and drink wine at the same time.  It just doesn’t work. 

My lesson today is, don’t take for granted what’s been sitting in your closet for a year regardless if it is nonperishable.  While I’m holding the oven bag my husband slides the turkey in and, BAM, right through to the floor.  The mother fucker bounced a foot and thank God I just mopped my floor last month or we really would have been in some trouble.

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4 responses

  1. Matt Lesoine

    Nice! The stuffing is no prob as it’s cooked at between 275 and 375 for hours – any germs are killed. The floor being mopped a month ago may or may not cause concern. Granted you’re not performing surgery in there but dealing with meat can be a crapshoot. I’d say though that the temps apply for the turkey as well as long as there’s no gravel or other particulates attached to the meat for people to crunch on.

    I figure that you can drink wine but it really depends on how much you have. 2 glasses, okay; 2 bottles – maybe not so much.

    November 27, 2008 at 10:26 pm

  2. Exactly! When my sister called me this morning and asked how I make my candied sweet potatoes, I told her to boil them first then put them in the pan with the butter and sugar, blah, blah, blah. She then asks if she should peel them first. I said, “no, it’s easier to peel them if they’re already cooked.”

    She then asks, “should I wash them before I boil them?”

    “Well, um, Nik, you do what you want…but me? I just feel that you’re gonna boil them and then take the skin off so what the point? I can’t see wasting the time to scrub them when the boiled water is going to kill the germs anyway. But you do what you feel is right. That’s just me.”

    She replied with, “That’s why I love you.”

    I missed her today it wasn’t the same.

    November 27, 2008 at 10:51 pm

  3. And actually I asked my sister the same thing. Were there any crunchies in your sweet potatoes?

    No crunchies in mine, I at least sweep the floor everyday.

    November 27, 2008 at 10:56 pm

  4. When I first saw the title, I read it as “Not Just Mumbles.” I was like, “Damn. Where can I get the turkey that mumbles? Mine just sits there.” I thought it’d be cool for a second before I realized it’d be mumbling, “I hate you, cooking lady.” But still.

    November 28, 2008 at 1:10 am

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