OK, so, Friday night my friend and I, the one I use to teach with, crashed our old employers Christmas party. Why, because a Christmas party isn’t a Christmas party without the great Cappisan there. My excessive alcohol intake and obnoxious sex stories always set the mood for napkins over the face and uncontrollable wet the pants laughing.
I’d like to add that the staff did discuss who was going to be me for the night. Was this a compliment or insult? I’m not sure but I’ll take it as a compliment since they were so happy to see me.
Their party started at 7 pm, so J and I arrived at 7:30 and sat in the bar part of the restaurant where, we were served free drinks and food for the next hour. Now, as a rule when someone else is buying, you’re drinking twice as much.
After four martinis in an hour we were ready for our grand entrance. Now, usually they’re seated in a separate room but it was being used for a band that night so they were sitting with the rest of the guests which by that time there was only a couple of tables being occupied.
Drunken people are extremely loud, I’m no different, my entrance entailed a screaming Merry Christmas and hug and a kiss with mistletoe, even for the new ones I didn’t know.
My old boss right away said she missed my stories and reminded me of the one I told last year about the time my son walked in on my husband and I having sex. I like to tell these stories just for the jollies of seeing my co worker’s faces. See, you have the old ones who like the stories because they’re not having it and the Christian who probably thinks it’s a sin to masturbate and the prude who is waiting to consummate her marriage after 30 years and the minister’s wife.
So, you get it? This is how it went down. The prude is an extreme animal lover so what better story to tell than when my cat was left out for two days in freezing cold weather.
“So, listen to this, P, I have a serious question. If a cat is spayed can she still get fucked?”
Her head went down and didn’t know what to say. “Seriously, Adrianne got out somehow last Sunday and she spent the night in the freezing cold weather. All I could think of was that she was frozen somewhere but noooo, she was out whoring all night. Do you know how I know? When I found her Monday night and brought her in she was walking funny.”
“Maybe she was hurt?”
“Well, I checked her out and all I could find was what looked like a cut on her belly but my husband said it was her vagina and that she probably got humped all night. So, what do you think?” Meanwhile, the old ladies are chiming in trying to get there two cents in and saying no that she couldn’t attract the opposite sex.
She could barely speak and after the five old ladies at the next table got up and walked out, I thought she would crawl under the table and die. “I don’t think so, Cap.” That is all she could get out.
With my legs propped open to the side and my ass in the air, I’m demonstrating how she was walking and said, “yeah, but walking this way she was either riding a horse for two days or fucking her brains out.”
She’ll never be the same again. None of them will. He he he…