Life As I See It

Here’s Your Sign

I love Bill Engvall and he’s famous for his comedy title, “here’s your sign.”

Last week, I was in the bathroom, which is at the top of our steps and I could here my son stomping up the stairs and then pausing, outside the door.  “Mom?”

Oh dear God, can’t I  ever be left alone,  “Yeah!”

“I need chap stick.”

“For what you lips?”  With my hands clinched and my eyes closed, I thought, here it comes.

“No, my asshole is dried and cracked, I thought I would use it for that.”

I deserved it. 

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13 responses

  1. Monty

    Aye you did.

    Wear it with pride.

    December 15, 2009 at 3:21 am

  2. I’m never the receiver. Always the giver.

    December 15, 2009 at 8:54 am

  3. Eh, Fuck It

    Cap, you give ’til it hurts… my sides.

    December 15, 2009 at 10:08 am

  4. The funniest thing is that you would never think my son, with the learning disability, would blurt out these things on a dime.

    December 15, 2009 at 11:54 am

  5. Just surviving rectal cancer I can tell you honestly that its no joke as the imparchement taking place from the radiation is justfiable of shoving a 5 gallon can of Crisco up your ass.
    Being a professional chef I went for the extra virgin olive oil regardless of the green stains

    December 15, 2009 at 10:27 pm

  6. And dont bother, I’ve already reserved the patent for Olive oil suppositories.

    Which reminds me.
    Why do they insist on adverstising products for bodily functions, or lack of, during dinner ?
    I’m eating my dinner an in all that 1/2 hour I’ve been exposed to mucus, toenail fungus, the shits, constipation, men who cant get boners or pee properly,and women with smelly pussies.
    There ought to be a law

    December 15, 2009 at 10:32 pm

  7. Don’t watch TV during dinner. Even, I could figure that out, Mick. Or, the cartoon network always works.

    Oh yeah, Happy Chanukah.

    December 16, 2009 at 9:00 am

  8. Yeah, Happy Chakakan to you too baby but if we have to stop the American pastime of watching TV during dinner,… equivalent only to beer, hot dogs and baseball ( baseball sucks) then it becomes political and I go off the fuckin deep end.
    Our lives are being dictated to us in a subverted kinda way similar to green technologies and movements that will effect every aspect of our lives from what we drive, eat, live in,thermostat settings, all the way to just how many kids we can have.
    If the fuckers can figure out to show Barbie commercials during a Hannah Montana concert they should sure as hell be able to figure out not to show me a talking family of mucus blobs on vacation or a crusty toe nail with diahrea while I’m eating.

    Merry Fucking Christmas.

    December 16, 2009 at 9:43 am

  9. By the way, I won the fuckin contest “again” ! !

    Fuckin Paypal is dysfunctional.

    After jumping thru many hoops, having to stand in line for hours to get my license renewed so I could open a new bank account so I could draw from my Paypal account so I could be a legit viable member of society .

    Fuckers.
    HERE!!! I got your fuckin sign !

    …and theres even some shit under the fingernails for ya…

    December 16, 2009 at 9:54 am

  10. Merry fucking Christmas to you, too. And you are jewish, right?

    I would write to the tv station and complain. Sometimes, it helps.

    December 16, 2009 at 1:26 pm

  11. And yum, don’t knock the shit under the fingernails. Thanks for the gift.

    December 16, 2009 at 1:26 pm

  12. If I’m Jewish then your clit is bigger than my dick.
    Aww fuck I shouldnt of said that because last I checked your pussy did drag around behind you leaving a snail trail, yeah ?

    No, I’m not Jewish, my dad who adopted me and married my mom when I was three was Jewish.
    Is that all you ever think about is skin and dicks ?

    December 16, 2009 at 2:18 pm

  13. For some reason, I thought you were Jewish. Maybe it was the whole dick, moon and calamari restaurant thing, I don’t know. Forget the whole Happy Chanukah, then. I’ll just wish you good health for the next year and thank God that your asshole is doing good and you can still jerk off.

    December 16, 2009 at 4:02 pm

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